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An Ocean of Starlight

Apr 17 '14
Apr 16 '14
Apr 16 '14




Train don’t give a fuck



(Source: woodywombpecker)

Apr 16 '14

thewind-upbirdsings replied to your post: Update

I know nothing about poly relationships (please forgive me). Are you in a relationship with her too?

No shame in not knowing. :)  I’m currently not seeing her romantically, but that’s not for lack of trying on my part.  I’m not sure if she’s interested or not, but either way I hope we can be friends.

Apr 16 '14

meltedbunny asked:

that couple is shit. dont give up please. they sound like they have more emotional baggage between themselves than they do with you. they shouldnt of introduced you into their lives if they knew they would hurt you.. you are perfect please keep trying <3

Awww omg I love you thank you.

Honestly, they are both good people, I just think that relationships are hard and poly ones are even harder.  I’m gonna take it slowly and just enjoy the time I get to spend with him/them.

But seriously thank you for writing this, it means a lot to me. <3

Apr 16 '14


Things worked out well with the guy :) :)

I went hiking with my coworkers today and I was soooo grouchy in the beginning and by the end I felt so much better.

Then I texted him and he told me he and his wife had talked and decided something I thought was beautiful…they said just because they’re each other’s #1 doesn’t mean others have to feel like #2.

And realistically I’ve only met with him three times so it’s silly to have all these big expectations. So our tentative date got canceled…we’re still seeing each other this weekend. :)

Part of growing up is learning to accept and appreciate people for who they are.

Also I “came out” as poly to my coworkers (well, I told them the guy I was seeing is in an open relationship, which is all they need to know really). I didn’t realize how much it bothered me not being able to talk about it until after I said it. But it was literally a non-event, they didn’t react strangely at all, and continued to tease me about him the rest of the day (so I know they didn’t feel uncomfortable).

Anyway. Things always work out okay in the end, you know. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end :)

Apr 16 '14

New strategy.

Apr 16 '14

I hate everyyyyythiiiiiiiinnnnnnnggggggg

Being emotionally vulnerable is a pain in the ass.

I can never tell if I’m over-reacting or under-reacting.

I was in a perfectly good mood this morning.  And then nothing happened.  And now I feel like I’m drowning in seas of emotion.

Where did this come from?  How do I get rid of it?  What do you do when you thought you were on the same page with someone and then you find out you were more invested than they were?  What do you do when you say things when you’re angry that you don’t really mean (but actually you kind of do mean)?  How do you re-bottle up those feelings?  I wish I could unsay them.  I wish I could pretend like I didn’t care.

People projecting their insecurities and expectations onto me.  Guys being obsessive when you’re indifferent and aloof when you want them.

Trying to be an adult with a job when you want to cry like a little girl.

How does someone go from “You’re wonderful, beautiful, fun, smart, strong, interesting” etc. etc. constantly to “If I can’t see you, that sucks, and if I can, that’s cool” in the space of a couple of days?  All because I’m unhappy with the revelation that plans can be canceled randomly with no consideration to how it makes me feel?

How did me using pet names become a sign that I was in too deep?  I use pet names with everybody.

The process goes like this:

  1. Meet guy.
  2. Guy fawns over me.
  3. Grow affectionate of guy.
  4. Guy does something that upsets me.
  5. Get upset.
  6. Guy gets defensive and aloof.
  7. Worry about losing guy.
  8. Internalize anger.
  9. Feel bad about self.

It’s the same problem I always have.  I’m great at gathering information. I’m great at finding patterns and following directions. It’s coming up with strategy and implementing it that I fucking suck at.

I pretend like I know what I’m doing, but I always lose.

I need directions for my life.

Apr 15 '14

This is why I quit poly relationships.

I have very high expectations of the people I allow into my life, platonic or romantic.  One of those expectations is that people respect my time enough to stick to commitments they’ve made with me, and also enough to actually make commitments with me rather than making vague plans and canceling with the excuse of “well I told you it might not happen”.

There are exceptions to every rule, and I like to think I’m quite forgiving of circumstances that would cause people to cancel plans.  But the fact that someone else is free or they had a bad day, and you’d rather spend time with them…is not a good reason to cancel plans, in my opinion.  This is true no matter how close you are to the other person.

The guy I’m seeing and I are not in committed relationship at this point, so I wasn’t actually upset when he first brought it up…but after talking a bit, he said his wife will ALWAYS come first and that he tries to plan around her so that we’ll be doing things when she’s busy, but that things are subject to change based on her schedule or needs, which…I’m not sure how other people would react to that, but it certainly leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and my immediate reaction is to want to cut ties and abandon ship before I get any more entangled.  Which is a shame, because I really like him (and her).

Also, this coming from a couple who expressed that they don’t like the labels of ‘primary’ and ‘secondary’ relationships.  But I don’t even think a secondary (or a platonic friend for that matter) should have to deal with their plans being canceled on a moment’s notice for someone else unless the other person is going through something really serious.  I won’t talk about anyone’s private business, but I do think most people would agree with me that that’s not the case here.

The other three poly relationships I’ve been in blew up spectacularly:

  1. the girlfriend framed me for stealing due to jealousy I guess.  This was one of the most fucked up relationship things that has ever happened.
  2. the girlfriend made rules that I couldn’t even kiss the boyfriend unless she was physically present, and then started bawling uncontrollably and refusing to talk to me when he did kiss me with her there
  3. the boyfriend lied to the girlfriend about something quite serious, and she found out because I told her the truth.  She was willing to forgive him and begged me to as well, but I was not.

I’m not going to sit here and pretend that all of my mono relationships have been the pinnacle of emotional health and stability either, but there’s this weird quality of walking on eggshells in a poly relationship that makes me extremely uncomfortable.  I often feel like I’m filling a “role” rather than being related to as an actual person.  And I think a lot of people open their relationships up for the wrong reason, and harbor this weird seething jealousy or insecurity that I just can’t relate to as I do. not. get. jealous.  Like, at all.  But I would never in a million years expect someone to cancel plans - even tentative ones - with someone else to spend time with me instead.  Beyond expecting it, I don’t think I’d even ask for it unless I was going through something MAJOR.  The only two times I can ever remember asking a boyfriend to come spend time with me when he had plans with his friends was once when I got a major electric shock and had a panic attack and was scared I was seriously hurt, and once when Amy died.  And both times I felt apologetic and embarrassed to be doing so.

Well, whatever.  I guess it will work itself out.  But this is why I’d rather be alone most of the time.  Because people are very good at disappointing me, and I’d rather just not have the hopes or expectations in the first place.

Apr 15 '14

Who hooked her TV up to her computer almost all by herself?

This girl right here!!!!

Fucking took nerves of steel, it did. I FEEL SO ACCOMPLISHED.


Who hooked her TV up to her computer almost all by herself?

This girl right here!!!!

Fucking took nerves of steel, it did. I FEEL SO ACCOMPLISHED.